how do you go it alone?
I wake up and she’s gone, she’s gone to work because despite the ball-crushing grip of fate she’s still resilient as ever and every day she gets up six or seven hours before me and dresses to go do it. Then flatmate goes, too, and I’m still not awake, and though I can see flatmate’s defects I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels inside. So at noon or one I make coffee if I can be bothered, I consider going to a meeting but never do as it’s always too late and this is a safe environment for me because what happened last time is dissuasion enough. And I watch tv and have four or five coffees then I begin to think about going for a walk, maybe to get more coffee, but I decide against it as more coffee would give me palpitations. I text her and she is working – no reply. Three or four P.M., now I think about working and maybe I do a little. Nothing ever goes nowhere and I’m not learning, I could get my PhD, I could buy expensive auction items off the internet. I could cry, I cry maybe once in every five to seven times I have this conversation with myself. I could relapse and stage a mental breakdown, I could go missing, but I won’t, as that was never who I am. It’s a problem but not problem enough to concern others with. I could write something and post it on the waves until somebody important notices.